lurleene_love

[Mona here, with another installment of lurleene_love's rambling mess of horror. This time, deewayne_love has convinced her that I'm plotting a scheme to steal their trailer home and even though Lurleene thinks it's true and talks about it on this week's tape, it's like she doesn't know I can hear her talking and am writing it down. I don't know what goes into that moonshine? But Jesus, she's even more retarded than usual. I do this only to show her someday how crazy she's being in hopes to maybe get her into a 12-Step program, and divorce that backwoods grub of a husband.]

DEEEEWAAAAAAYYYYYNNNNNNNNNNNEE!!! Mona came by the house today to pick up something from the mailbox which you don't know nothin' about because you can't know about my love talk except for when I'm ready to show you! But Mona told me some lie about what you put your underwear and a squirrel in the mailbox last week and I KNOW IT'S A LIE BECAUSE I SAW HER LOOKING AT MY DRAPES IN THAT WAY YOU TOLD ME SHE DOES THAT I KNOW SHE WANTS THIS TRAILER AND YOU! Because I KNOW she wants you for herself. Who doesn't? You're the most man in this county, probably the world! But I only know the world from the TV shows you let me watch and I KNOW you're definitely hotter than our friends we see sometimes on "Cops" and on "Springer." You're the best man ever there was and if you'd only come home soon I'd prove it to you with my Lipton Soup recipe for "Tarnation Taters" that I saw a picture of and Mona told me it was. I hate her! But she helps me shop at the Food Barn when you're off doing God knows what with Skeeter and your whore of a sister, Jolene! Speaking of Jolene, I sat in a bathtub of Clorox because I heard it would kill those nasty crabs what she gave you and you gave me and it turned my junk WHITE! I thought you might like it like that so I haven't pooped in over a week so it don't turn brown until you see it and give it your special DeeWayne lovin'.

COME HOME DEEEWWAAAAYYYYNNNEE! I think Mona's trying to kill me! I'm afraid to go to sleep at night because when the coons aren't clattering on the roof, I'm convinced it's her looking in my windows and sneaking around, measuring stuff so's she can move her fancy furniture in here and replace me in our marital bed. OUR BED OF HOTNESS AND LOOOOOOVVVVVVEEE DEEEWAYYYNE! WHERE ARE YOU?! I NEED MORE MAXI-PADS BECAUSE OF THE CLOROX SORES! PLEASE COME HOME AND BRING MAXI-PADS! I'M SENDING YOU A BRAIN BEAM SO YOU KNOW! [*grunting with effort*] Ow, my head! [*sobbing*]

[end tape]

[Mona here again, with another installment of Lurleene's "love ramblin's," as she calls them. There's been a bit of drama with lurleene_love and deewayne_love, I mean, even more so than usual, because that moron DeeWayne has convinced Lurleene that I'm secretly in love with him. As if! I mean, Christ! The man's a toothless moron, with shit for brains! Anyway, in picking up Lurleene's tape out of the mailbox this week for transcription, I was HORRIFIED to find a dead squirrel in the box, wrapped in a pair of DeeWayne's nasty skivvies, with a note that said, "You fat hore! You'd better kwit bad mouthin me on the internets! Here's your lunch!" So, I'm going to keep doing this for Lurleene, so that maybe someday we can review these and she'll see what a complete idiot she is to stay with him.]

DEEEEWAAAYYYNE! Oh my God, my heart is ACHING because you've been gone for so many days! You say you're off doing work on that big rig truck, but I know you're really staying out at the swamp shack with that WHORE OF A SISTER OF YOURS JOLENE! That dirty bitch...DEEWAYNE! You know it's wrong to fuck your sister, even if you say butt sex doesn't count! You told me you can't get her pregnant like that, which is why you poke me in the rear, but STILL! You keep catching the crabs from that bitch and bringing them home to me and I know it's from her even though you tell me it's from mudbuggin' in hot weather...and I know you told me they're eatable? But wow are they fast and even when you can catch them to boil them, you need so many to make a serving!

DEEEEEE...[sobbing for several minutes, snorting, coughing, wretching]...WAYYYYNNNNNEEEE!! Please come back to me, baby! I can't stand it if you're still with that nasty sister of yours! Jolene told Maybelline at the Quik-Mart that she's only banging you for your 'shine stash! I WANT YOU FOR MORE THAN THAT! I WANT YOU FOR THE LOOOOOVVVEEE! AND LUCKY'S! I'M ALMOST OUT OF SMOKES, BABY! PLEASE BRING ME SOME WHEN YOU COME BACK! Oh, please, Jesus. Let him be safe and not making retard babies with his sister out there in the swamp. Please let him hear my cries for cigarettes so I don't have to blow Scary Neighbor Jimmy for a ride to the store.

[*Knocking on door*] Oh, hi Jimmy.

[End tape]

[My name is Mona, and I'm Lurleene's second cousin. I live a few miles away, in a um...less disgusting part of Alabama, certainly not "In My Ass." Anyway, Lurleene doesn't know how to read or write or use a computer, but she's ADAMANT about having a diary online. I'm going to help her out, if for no other reason than goddamn, I hate her husband deewayne_love. These will be verbatim transcripts of Lurleene's ramblings. I'll try my best to spell the colloquialisms correctly, but they get a little colorful, and when Lurleene's got a snootful, a little hard to understand. She makes tapes on this little handheld recorder, and leaves them for me in her mailbox. I'll be checking it once a week or so.]

DEEEEEEWAYYYYYYNNNE!!! I love you so hard! I cleaned up the trailer for you and when you got home from the parts/liquor store all you could say was I was a smelly whore! But then I remembered that you hit me with your words because YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH which is what you tell me! So I went and Massengilled out my stuff and washed my panties and when I came out of the toilet you was gone! And I was thinking, "Oh my God, aliens like what are in the Star came and sucked DeeWayne up and I sure hope they don't do that anal probe thing!" Because that would hurt my DeeWayne's perfect butthole and he NEEDS IT FOR STUFF! I was going to make you Tuna Surprise with the Cheez-Whiz, like you like so much? And your friend Skeeter called and made mention of the fact that you was supposed to be meeting him for your "Medicine Party" and I thought, "GOD DAMN YOU DEEWAYNE! YOU WON'T BE HOME FOR THREE DAYS NOW AND YOU DIDN'T INVITE ME AND WHEN YOU DO GET HOME YOU'LL BE SMELLIN' OF COOTCHIE AND DORITOS!" And I got mad and smashed all your Skynyrd records and now I'm trying to Elmer's glue them back together because HOOOOOOWWWEEEEEEEE are you gonna be mad when you see those little bits laying around the trailer on our new plush blue carpet. You won't rug burn my knees from the sexin' if you're so mad and maybe you'll leave me! OH MY GOD DON'T LEAVE ME DEEWAYNE! [*uncontrollable sobbing for 15 minutes*] Oh...sweet Jesus...make me a bird so I can fly far far away if DeeWayne leaves me...Sweet baby Jesus help me with my gluing skills so I can repair his beloved records...[garbled ramblings about Cheez Whiz]

[end tape]